Based on True story!
A couple of weeks ago I had an opportunity to co-facilitate a Men’s café on rising cases of femicide in Kenya with the aim of collecting views and submitting memoranda to the GBV and femicide task-force recently formed by the president to address the skyrocketing cases of GBV and femicide in Kenya.
Mr. ‘Kasongo’ (not his real name) in his late forties or early fifties was the third man to share his story and it traumatized me. Mr. Kasongo a former long distance truck driver fell ill while on duty and got partially paralyzed on his left side with severe effect on his leg. He now walks with a stick after being bedridden for some time and undergoing treatment and therapy. Kasongo remembers the day he got ill vividly, he was loaded from Mombasa to Nairobi when he started feeling uneasy on his journey, but as a ‘man’ he held himself together all the way to Nairobi. By the time he delivered the truck to the yard in Nairobi he could barely alight/move. He was rushed to the hospital by colleagues where he was admitted for a couple of weeks.
After being discharged from hospital he went to his house in Nairobi little did he know this was the beginning of his journey to hell and back! After remaining bedridden for a couple of months his wife turned against him, as they say sometimes the true colors of your spouse may remain hidden and at the ‘optimal moment’ they rainbow will appear. The wife started acting differently, over time this grew into abuses on daily basis, the wife expressly informed him that he was now useless as he was bed ridden and was of no use as he could not work and provide for the family. Kasongo found himself sidelines and he decided to go to his rural home where he stayed for almost a year while his dear mother took care of him. When he felt strong enough he made his journey back to Nairobi.
On his arrival he was left ‘mdomo wazi’ the wife had moved on and was seeing another guy. His children turned against him and he found himself receiving frequent beating from his wife and children. One day he recalls gathering all his energy and slapping his wife before he collapsing. This formed the basis of a police case for the wife who reported him for physical abuse. At the police station the man tried to explain the emotional and physical abuse he was undergoing at home, but the police officers turned a blind eye to his story. Kasongo was left mouth agape when one police officer proposed that he needed to vacate the house and leave his wife and children in peace. ‘This is where salt was added into the wound, Kasongo had worked his ass off during his trucking days and build some rental houses in the outskirts of Nairobi’ he could not believe the wife and children were now colluding to take over the property and send Kasongo to the streets. Kasongo confessed that was a breaking point for him, he contemplated terminating the life of his wife but unfortunately the paralysis could not allow him. The other factor was fear of being ‘a guest to the state in his ailing condition. He lamented the mental and emotional torture seeing his wife ‘groove’ with another man and his children turn against him has been too much. Kasongo hopes that justice will be served soon as the pain of losing his property, children and wife torments him every day.
Why do children turn against their fathers?
The patriarchal nature of our society expects men to be providers and bread winners in their families. This has left many men working their asses off at the expense of building an emotional and psychological bond with their children. A man will pay school fees 50,000 or more but the child will appreciate the mother more for finding time to visit him/her during the school visiting day and giving him extra 200 shillings for pocket money on top of the fathers 2,000 shillings, can someone relate to this? This is a common phenomenon. It’s quite common to find children especially boys/men saying they are willing to sacrifice anything for their mother but the father its neither here nor there. Someone said, “unless you put effort as a man the bond between a child and its mother is unbreakable, imagine 9 months in the womb connected through the umbilical code and 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding”, what beats that? It’s the high time for the fathers to find more time to bond with their children otherwise you could be a potential Kasongo loading. The bond between the sons and mothers is even stronger, ‘they say mom is the first love for them boys’ watch your back. In the case of Kasongo he put providing for his family first, he was gone for weeks, sometimes months as he traversed east and central Africa delivering cargo to afford food and shelter for his dear family. Unfortunately, that was not enough the children have now joining their mother in tormenting him at his lowest moment. Take a lesson or two please.
Socialization and toxic masculinity!
From that day’s conversations I realized many men are suffering in silence. When asked what is the biggest thing they would like to let go. At least 95% of the men present admitted they would like to heal from anger and trauma. Society has been so cruel to the men, toxic masculinities which promotes vengeance, suppression of emotions, assertion of dominance, violence and unnecessary competitions among men leave them suffering with anger. Unlike women who will speak about their problems/issues easily with their peer’s men hold their problems within as they are socialized to believe that real men don’t cry or speaking about their problem. ‘Kufa kimwanaume’, they say. Unlike women, men can be equated to balloons that keep inflating without deflating and when they can’t hold no more pressure boom femicide, suicide, physical violence etc! ‘they burst’. But they will tell you that toxic masculinity destroys men too.
Laws;
Men are perpetrators of femicide no doubt about that. We already know about it. Kasongo raised a valid point, when he went to the police to report that his wife was abusing him, denying him food, calling him all sort of names including a useless man that can’t perform as a man anymore, both sexually and economically. The police asked for evidence which he didn’t have. But the day he slapped his wife and fell the evidence was all over her face and this made him to be a state guest for a couple of days. Who is there to speak about the emotional torture. “My wife provokes me daily, telling me if I am a real man I dare touch her and then she will make me ‘see bad things’”, he bemoaned. I recently spoke to a psychologist who works with reforming criminals including those in jail for femicide and other related crimes. According to him there is need to follow up some of the cases and explore the why?
Safe spaces for men;
It takes two to tangle. There can’t be femicide without both men and women. Same in addressing femiced we can’t have a conversation with only women and leave out the perpetrators. Someone needs to create safe spaces for men to speak up and release their tensions. We need to provide psychosocial support for those who are undergoing emotional abuse by their spouses. Another man speaking in the same set up admitted to having contemplated killing his wife. The only reason he had not done it is because he is God fearing and also did not want to face the consequences. This is something he has never shared with anyone including his friends who accompanied him that day and they were left shocked. He felt chocked by his wife he can’t, she is domineering he can’t speak to another woman even his childhood friends in the neighborhood, can’t go to watch football with his peers or he will have a long day. Any time they disagree with the wife, the wife uses police officers to intimidate him and he is left contemplating his next move.
Men need to change their ways?
Abused men rarely speak for fear of being victimized by their peers. If a man walks to a police station and reports a case of battering, the police are likely to turn against him ‘unapigwa aje na mwanamke’. Media, especially social media will ridicule him yet castigate him when he results to femicide. Does it mean that men are left with no options and either of their choices has consequences? How can we amplify the voices of the men who are suffering out there? They say men have resources, so who are you waiting to take care of your peers? When men meet they talk football, cars, alcohol, ‘Jezebel’ investments but no intimate/personal conversations on wellbeing. Who is going to take care of our own?
Conclusion;
This is not exactly what you may expect to hear from me but we have a long way to go in ending femicide. We need to dig deeper dig deeper into the root causes which may include what we already know coupled with; economic pressure and expectations on men, socialization, peer pressure, mental wellbeing for men, toxic masculinities, hegemony, ‘kufa ki mwanaume’, fear of ridicule etc etc etc.
Disclaimer: No amount of provocation, is reason enough end another human beings’ life. It is high time that men learn how to control their emotions and walk away. This simple act could save you from being a guest to the state as well as save someone life. I challenge the abled in the society to invest in town halls and men’s café aimed at creating safe spaces where men can express themselves without fear of being judged. All the men mentioned in this article have been referred to relevant service providers for both psychosocial support as well as legal advice in case of property.
